Painful Pleasure

And Life Goes On...

2006-02-22T20:42:00.000+11:00

Well I only have 75 days left in my pregnancy and as the count goes down faster and faster my fear grows. I know that pregnancy is a natural part of life and that there babies born every second of everyday, but for me it is terrifying. Will I be a good enough parent? Will the baby have problems? Will I be able to manage the pain of the labour? I guess the only way to find out is wait and see what happens in less than 11 weeks.

Life seems to be full of ups and downs at the moment. Yesterday I had to see a new gyno so that I can go to the hospital I want instead of the hospital that my own gyno works with. I don't like this new guy. He mutters to himself, wont explain anything and acts like we are an inconvenience. At least I wont have to have much to do with him. At least we finally got to heat the babies heart beat. The good news is that after I saw this guy, I was able to get booked into the hospital straight away. I must say, not only is this hospital less than an hour away (the other is 2 hours away on lonely windy roads), but the people are a lot nicer, they go out of their way to include my prince and it is a much nicer hospital.

And now for the other things going on in my world. After sorting out all the baby clothes that we have it has been discovered that not only do we mainly have girls clothes (to bad if it is a boy), we also do not have any warm clothes. We have heaps of jumpsuits and little T-shirts, but they wont be any good when the baby is going to be born in winter. Looks like if my mother doesn't start sewing soon we are going to end up with a naked baby in blankets when the few jump suits run out.

It looks like both of our mothers are on the verge of major breakdowns and are holding on the the thought of their first grand child in order to keep a small about of sanity. My mother's back and shoulder are so bad that the only part of her body that is actually working properly is her left arm. Now this wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have to do data entry all day long. She is going to see a neurosurgeon soon, but if he says that she needs an operation I know that she will be saying no sue to the fact that she just cannot afford to take the time off work.

My Prince's mother is running herself into the ground chasing around after her mother. The old bat keeps ending up on the verge of death so everyone goes running then she pulls through and starts all over again. She should of been dead along time ago except for the fact the one of her other daughters made the hospital take the "Do Not Resuscitate" order off so the revived her when she should of been dead. There is a lot more details I could go into but I do not know how to write it in away that those not involved in the family would understand.

Other than all that, I am in a lot of pain due to the pregnancy, I am always tired, depressed and cranky.

Finally

2006-02-06T13:05:00.000+11:00

What can I say, after many hours of frustration I have finally gotten my new template working. Well it still needs some fine tuning but it think it is pretty good as it is. Let me know what you think

Testing

2006-02-06T00:51:00.000+11:00

I am trying to get this new template working, but the top post keeps sitting down to far...does anyone know why?

2006-02-04T23:26:00.000+11:00

Well it is time for a baby and body update. Yesterday we had an appointment with my gyno for my 26 week cheek up. Apparently it is good that bubs kicks so hard and so much that it hurts. I am glad that he thinks so because I don't. Also I found out that when I feel exhausted (which is most of the time), I am to lay down for 2 hours. It cannot be for less than 2 hours because apparently it will be of no use. Even if I get up to go to the toilet or sit up to drink, I have to start the two hours again.

On the body front, a bit has changed. I now have a fair sized bust. Now this is very hard to adjust to for some one that has always been flat chested like me. Also the baby has finally decided to pop out so I now look pregnant...That is great except I hardly have any clothes to fit me now. Apart from that I don't really have any other gripes other than the fact that my back has been so bad of late that all I want to do is cry. All I wish is that I could have 5 minutes rest from the pain. Nothing I do or take stops it. Ahh well, I guess that I only have to put up with another 93 days of it then I will probably be wishing that I could get a break from the kid and think how much I preferred the back pain lol.

But seriously, I know I complain, but I am looking forward to being a mother, I just like to complain.

Yes I Know I Keep "Forgetting" To Post...

2006-02-01T00:43:00.000+11:00

Quite simply, I haven't had the time. You see, life has been a little bit hectic of late. There is a lot that I should be posting about to bring everyone upto date, but really it is all so boring I don't see the point. There are a few things that I feel like posting about so I am going to right now...

Damn Squatters...
Last night I swear that I got one of the biggest frights that I have ever received when I discovered that our house was being threatened by a very large fire in the pine forest that surrounds our property. While sitting out side having a smoke (a bad habit I know) at about 10pm, some one came roaring up our driveway with their horn blaring and yelling "The Pine Forest Is On Fire". After grabbing my prince and having a look over the fence, it was decided that the CFA (Country Fire Authority) had to be called. The good new is that after having about 3 CFA Tankers and 2 4x4 units trying to use our place for access, they finally found a way in that didn't involve our animals being relocated and put the fire out.

Today it was decided that we would go and see where the fire had been and what had been destroyed. Imagine my surprise to learn that the person who had previously lived here had been squatting in the pine forest in an old bus and shed and that not only was it his bus that had started the fire but he was also the one that came and warned us. Now this guy moved out when I moved in (over 2 years ago) and was meant to be interstate. It turns out thought that he had been back for about a month and living on private property (not mine I know, but still it isn't his either) right near our house with our letting anyone know. This probably shouldn't bother me, but if he can come and go for over a month with no-one knowing he is there, then what else could he do with out anyone knowing? Now I know I am becoming a paranoid pregnant woman.

What happens when everyone thinks Pregnancy is great and you don't???
OK, by now you should all know that I am pregnant...If you don't, then you obviously cannot see the ticker at the top of this page. Well to be quite honest, I am getting so fed up it isn't funny. Everyone says how great it is to bring new life into this world, and how great and cute it is when the kid kicks non-stop for 12 hours a day, or your so lucky blah blah blah. Well here is the truth to it all...Being pregnant SUCKS!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am glad that I am going to have a kid and start a family, but the time between sex and having it is far from fun. I feel sick all the time, my joints don't stop hurting, I'm not allowed to day any heaving lifting, my boobs hurt and leak, I get poked and prodded and no one will listen to what I say about what I want for OUR baby. People cannot get it through their thick heads that there are only two people that have a say and that is my prince and me. Not friends, interfering Parents, Aunts, Cousins, Preists, The Man in the street. Just Us!!! I guess it doesn't help that we have been given so much crap for the kid that is has taken over the lounge room. I mean, how many bloody toys do they think a newborn needs?

An Update About The House
Well we finally have aquired a few things that should of been here along time ago but just never seemed to make it. The list includes - Gas, A Working Hot Water Service, An Air Con, A Shower (mind you when my bloody parents put it in they stuffed it up and now we have a constant leak), and A washing machine.

Well that's about all I can manage to type with my sore hand so I will say cya for now and if you are good people and comment I might even post again really soon...

2005-11-14T21:11:00.000+11:00

I am sick of everything. The bills are piling up again, everyone is getting shity over anything and everything, we are all walking on egg-shells in fear of setting others off and there never seems to be and end to the problems in sight. I need a break from life, but even if I could, what good would it do? The problems would be here when i returned and nothing would get solved. I guess all I can do is go back to crying and fearing the sound of the phone ringing

Home Again...

2005-11-03T23:57:00.000+11:00

Where have I been I hear you ask... I have been staying with my mother trying to stop her running herself into the ground now that my Step-Father has had his knee replacement. The funny thing is, with how tired and run down my mother is, I sometimes think that he is in better condition than her. Anyway, that is about all that has been happening other thatn alot of bitching about my mothers family, trying to deal with being pregnant in the bloody heat (swollen feet and hands are not very much fun), fighting with the damn city traffic (you know what it is like when us country bumkins go to the big smoke lol) and watching way to much horse racing and championship darts.

Hello To All Those Out There That Are Pregnant...And Those Unlucky Ones That Arnt (or is that lucky ones)

2005-10-29T15:12:00.000+10:00

What can I say, my poor old blog is getting stagnant so I thought I would post something. I don't know what to write about so this is your chance to let me know what you want me to write about and what you think I need to do to the blog to reflect me more

What Happens When You Are Stupid...

2005-10-24T22:47:00.000+10:00

I now know why I don't bother doing anything...It is because every time I try to fucking do something I am too stupid to work out how it is done right. So from now on i am resigining from going anything taht take even a smalll amount of inteligence. If people don't like it they can just leave me alone.

My Views and Opinions On Up Coming Motherhood

2005-10-22T22:47:00.000+10:00

As people would know by now, I am pregnant. You may wonder why I am stating this obvious point. The reason, because it is time to voice some opinions about it and answer a question or two that I kept getting asked.

Here are some brief facts.

The baby is due about 10th May 2006.

This is not only our first baby, but also the first grandchild for both of our parents (well not for my step father but that is another matter)

pregnancy Makes me a cranky B***h

Question: Do You Want A Boy or a Girl?
Answer: I want a healthy baby. My Prince wants a girl more than anything (mind you, if it is a boy he wont treat it any differently). I always thought that I did too, but now that I am pregnant, I just don't care what it has between its legs as long as everything is where it should be.

Question:Are You going To Find Out The Sex?
Answer: I don't really want to, but as I have just found out, My Prince desperately wants me to find out. I guess it is discussion and decision time.

Who's Kid Is It???
And no I do not mean that I do not know who the father is. There is only one person who could be the father and that is my prince. I am refering more to the attitude of our parents. If you didn't know better, at times you would think it was either my mother or my prince's mother that were having the kid. They have spent so much money (that they cannot afford) or baby things plus they way thy brag it seems like they are going to be the mothers.

So far the following have been bought for us:

Pram

Change Table

Baby Bath

Clothes

Nappies

A heap of material to make clothes and bedding

On top of that, my mother is completely rebuilding the spare room and turning it into a lovely nursery for us.

Well that's about all I can be bothered writing at the moment as my pregnant back is starting to hurt...I will be back with some more update really soon...

How Can You Be Happy And Sad At The Same Time?

2005-10-10T18:18:00.000+10:00

Well as I said in my last post I am pregnant. I have to say that the thought of having a baby makes me so happy that I cannot explain. There is just one problem. With the way my hormones are going up and down and the fact that life is out to completely screw us over, it seems like all I want to do is cry. I know that I am only 9weeks pregnant and that you are ment to feel better as you go along, but I swear that it feels like things are just getting worse. I prey for they day I can be happy with out feeling sad aswell.

Very Overdue Update On My Part

2005-09-26T21:58:00.000+10:00

Some good news on my part, as you may have known (by my previous post) I was due to go to hospital in the next week coming. That Has Changed.

Some Realy Good News! I'm Pregnant

Back To Hospital I Go

2005-08-29T00:18:00.000+10:00

It is that time once again...Time to be chopped up and have my insides looked at by the Gyno.

After going to see him on Friday morning, he told me that because of my "Abnormal" pap results, that I have to go to hospital on October 3rd so that he can do what is called a Cone Biopsy. Basicly what it means is that they knock me out (thankfully), shove a telescope thing up me, find where the problem is then cut a large chunck out of me.

Man it is great being a woman...NOT

Importaint Health Warning

2005-08-22T16:41:00.000+10:00

For those of you that like to try new things or use your sex toys in different ways, please do not make the mistake that I made last night.

In short, if someone asks to put a vibrator up your back end, be careful that it does not go all the way in. That happened to me, and while it was good at the time, the hour or more that it took for us to try and find a way of getting it out was very painful and unpleasant.

What is worse is that I am probably going to have to tell my doctor about it...Talk about embarrassing

The Confliction Of Self

2005-08-20T02:25:00.000+10:00

Well I know that it has been along time since I have posted, but it is hard to make yourself post when you are starting to doubt who you are.

You see, there have been parts of me that I have spent alot of time and energy trying to hide/kill off, but it looks like I have reached a point in my life where I am going to have to find out just who I am. I know that I'm not making much sense at the moment, but this is the only way that I can get the courage to say the things that are on my mind.

Lately I have been having dreams that have really been bothering me. You see, I have always had two sides to my likes and personality, but I have always made sure that only one side wins. I jokingly think of it as the good side and the dark side. I have a theory that it is partly due to the fact that I am a Gemini. I know that that probably sounds like a cop out, but there are reasons for my theory. There are a few things that people/experts have always said about Gemini's. The main point believed about Gemini's is that due to being "The Twins", we have two sides to our personalities. Those sides are normally thought to be Male and Female. I sometimes wonder if that is why I always had a confiliction in my personality and likes. Sometimes I act more like a guy than a girl, other times I am as girly as can be.

The Dreams That Brought It All Out ...

There are alot of theories on the meanings of dreams, some of them I believe others I don't. The only thing about dreams that is relevant to this post is that I believe is you keep dreaming about something that you are doing or liking that you should maybe wonder if part of your brain is trying to tell you something. This is where the problem lies for me at the moment. The dreams that I have been having all the time have been really bothering me lately and have forced me to face those parts of myself that I have always hidden.

You see, in everyday life, I am a good little girl that likes boys, "normal sex" and is everything (well almost everything) that a straight girl should be. In my dreams I am something different. What worries me is that it is the person that I have become in my dreams is the person I have been hiding in everyday life for as long as I can remember. My dreams would put some porno movies to shame. And the worst thing is that even thinking about the things in those dreams has a habit (sometimes, not always) of turning me on more than anything else, let alone what happens to my body when I have a dream.

A Gothic fantasy

The dream that brought all this out in the open happened a few days ago. It wasn't the first of its kind, but is was the most erotic. In short the dream was about Bondage. In full summery it involved chains, leather, whips and alot of punishment. My prince loved it when I told him about it, I guess because he love that sort of thing so much. But it isn't just Bondage that I have been thinking about. It is girls. Kissing them, touching them, finger them, licking them, fucking them with toys. Good straight girls don't think like this.

What Does It All Mean?

I am just so confused. I have always liked girls and guys, but I have controlled myself over the years, but now, the minute I go to sleep all I dream about is either bondage or fucking girls or threesome. I remember liking girls before boys but I always hid it and did nothing about it. Why is it so strong now? Why do I get off so much on pain and bondage? I love the feeling of being slapped during sex. I love being tied so tight that I cannot move. I love being choked and told what to do while I am fucked hard. Man this is screwing up my mind.

I am going to leave this post where it is. I know there is alot more that I could and should write before it is posted (it probably shouldn't even be posted), but I make a promise to my self I was going to get this post up to night and there isn't much more I can write with out upsetting my self so this is where is stays

Attention All

2005-04-18T20:44:00.000+10:00

This blog is indefinately on hold. There is a lot that I could write here but I do not feel that this is the place to air all the problems that are going on in my life. So with that said, I bid you all fairwell for now.

The Reason Behind The Lack Of Updates

2005-03-14T03:56:00.000+11:00

I know that I promised the other day that there would be another post in the next few hours but did not fulfil that statement. There is actually a good reason for it...well two reasons really. The first is the fact that My Prince's cousin died last Thursday. In between organising to go to the funeral on Tuesday, trying to help my prince deal with it (i'm doing a really bad job here) as well as having the stress of knowing that I am going to have to face yet another funeral, I just haven't had the energy or mind power to write much.

The second is that I have a small obsession with my new project. As I said few posts ago, I started my new site called GI Help For The Innocent. Well I originally had it on modblog, but after spending hours trying to get it look remotely like I wanted, I decided to go the whole hog and set it up on BlogMental using Wordpress V1.5. I must say that it was a lot easier to set up Wordpress than I originally thought, and I now have a site that looks and does what I want. Anyway, you can check it out at http://www.gihelp.blogmental.com.

Well that's about it for now. Please check out my new site and let me know what you think.

Families

2005-03-10T22:02:00.000+11:00

After phone calls from both my mother and my prince's mother tonight, I started thinking about family relationships. If your friends treated you the way some relatives are inclined to you would never have anything to do with them, yet because they are family we see the need to continue putting up with their crap. I will start off with the family that has the most backstabbing and twisted politics, but is the one that is the least problem right now - My mothers family.

I have 3 female cousins, all sisters. They are the daugters of my mothers older sister. The oldest Michelle is married with 3 kids. The Second is Nicole who devorced and has been living in Sweden and as I recently found out, cannot have kids. The youngest, Danielle has recently (well in the last 6 months or so) started her first relationship (she is over 30yr) and as we found out at our engagement party, is pregnant. Now as far as I know, most people are happy for Danielle, or are at least able to be nice about it. Not Nicole. She decided to start sending emails to their mother saying that she was going to kill herself and life is so unfair ect. Most of us could see it for what it was - attention seeking. It is a pitty that her family didn't see it like that. Her mother Val spent over $3,000 inorder to fly over to Sweden to help/be with her. When she found out about this her reaction was "why would she do that? I could of used that money towards a house" Now if this wasn't bad enough, on saturday night, Nicole and her other half (I have no idea what his name is) arrived to spend a month here. When she saw Danielle, she ignored her. She the proceded to ignore most of the family when she saw them the next day. Anyway, to cut this babbling short, I will simply say that if I were Danielle, Val or any of the other family members, I would tell her to F***K OFF!. But That is not my place, so when I see her in a few weeks I will simply treat her how ever she treats me. Could be interesting.

Well thats it for now...I will tell you all about my prince's family in a post in the next few hours...

When You Have Nothing To Say You Say Anything

2005-03-08T15:50:00.000+11:00

Well you might of guessed by the title that I don't realy have alot to write today. There has been alot going on but I realy don't feel like writing about it all at the moment, I guess some things just need to sink on a bit. Anyway for the sake of updating and not letting this blog go completly stale, I thought that I would tell you about the progress I have made with the site that I mentioned in my last post. With a little help from My Prince it has been named - GI Help For The Innocent. It also now has an address - http://gihelp.modblog.com. I would love it if people could stop by and have a look and tell me what they think. I know there is still alot of work to be done on it.

Help Wanted With A New Site...

2005-03-05T13:28:00.000+11:00

After the responce to the post I wrote about my experiance with living on a Low Gi diet, and all the trouble I am having finding simple information regarding allowed foods and recipies, I have decided to start my own site dedicated to makeing it simple for people to find new and interesting way to deal with their restricted diet. I will be putting up recipies that I have tried myself and found to work, as well as particular foods that sufferers can and cannot eat.

What I want from the readers of Painful Pleasure is this - Your ideas and opinions on what the site should contain and or look like.

Looking For The Heart Of Saturday Night

2005-03-05T02:53:00.000+11:00

As I sit here depressed when I should be happy, listening to depressing music, I started to wonder why it is that people listen to depressing music at times like these when they realy should listen to something cheerful to make them happy. No, im not drunk or out of it on drugs, I am just in one of my rambling depressed moods.

There are certain CD's that are always kept in our stereo. Some are kinda dancy, some rock (along the lines of AC/DC) and the others are depressing. The most depressing are by Tom Waits and The Whitlams (no not preforming together, just a collection of their different albums). I think (don't quote me) that just about every album released by The Whitlams is in our stereo. As for Tom Waits, my two fav albums, Closing Time and Asylum Years, are constanly in there. I used to own one Whitlams album and used to think that they were ok. Then my prince moved in with his CD collection. I am now becoming obsessed with them. Mind you, it is a two way street. My prince had never hear of Tom Waits until he moved in here and now I swear he plays his albums more than I do (Just as he does with me Kate Bush CD but that is another story).

I cannot explain what it is that I like so much about Tom Waits, particualy his older stuff. May it is because I grew up listening to it, or maybe it just strikes a cord with me.

I have concidered putting my theory into practice and playing the "dancy" CD's, but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I guess that I have answered my own question - When you are depressed, depressing music is all that appeals to you.

Ahh Such Is Life

2005-02-28T13:54:00.000+11:00

Some people may have noticed that I haven't posted for a while. In short, I just haven't known what to write that would be of interest to people. Tonight it occured to me that if it is of interest to me, there must be at least one person in the world that it interests, so I thought I would write about the first thing that came to mind. Unfortunately for the readers of this blog, the first topic I could think of was my battle trying to find Low GI foods. Anyone with diabeties would know what Low GI is, for those people that don't, I will be providing an explanation very soon.

A Bit Of Background
(If you don't want to here about womens reproduction problems, skip to the next heading)

Unlike most females, I have never had regular periods. When I was a teenages, I could go for upto 12 months with out getting my period and then get it 3 months in a row. At first this didn't worry me, I thought it was great that I didn't have to worry about it as much as other girls. It was only when I got to about 17 or so that I decided that with all my family history of problems that I should do something about it.

My mother took me to the doctors and helped me to explain why I was there. I was sent for some blood tests and an ultrasound. All the results can back as normal except for one of the blood tests. The result was that I had elevated Testosterone levels and that I was about to go a medication that lowered it and resulted in some of my body hair grow to be slowed. I can still clearly remember his answer when I asked him why I wasn't getting periods if everything was ok. He simply replyed "You're complaining about not getting you're period? Most women would love to be like that" I didn't like that answer much but I figure he is the doctor, I have had the tests, there obviously isn't realy a problem.

Years went by with no change, until I was 21 and started having sex (yes I was a late "starter"), and went on the pill. All was ok for a couple of months, but then I started getting bad period pains, break-through bleeding (bleeding between periods) and general sickness. I even ended up in the emergancy room at one stage. Five different doctors did a heap of tests, including two ultrasounds, but yet again found nothing. This time I had had enough. I dragged my mother with me to see the family doctor that she had been going to for 30 years and had known me since I was born. After alot of disagreements, he decided to refer me to a gyno. The irony of it is that the gyno was the same guy that delivered me and knows all about my family history.

He took one look at my history and test results and declared "These results are wrong, I would bet my career that you have cysts on the overies. I want you in hospital asap to have them removed." I was then sent to have a blood test which showed that I had a condition known as Impaired Glucose Tolerance, which in short means that when I have sugar or food the digests fast, my blood glucose levels go so high that they cannot be charted, and my blood sugar levels go dagerously low resulting in headaches, drowseness, and the possible threat of coma.

After I had the surgery (it was only a short "procedure"), the gyno came and saw me and said that he had never seen someone with so many cysts and that he stopped counting after he removed 60 just off one overy and that it was official - I had Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS). I will explain about PCOS another time, this post is acutally about...

Trying to live with-out sugar...

When I found out about my blood sugar problem, I thought "This will be easy, I don't eat much sweet food anyway" How wrong I was. To start with, just about everything you buy has sugar in it. On top of that, not only do I have to avoid sugar, I have to eat only Low GI foods. Here is the explanation that I promised:

The glycemic index is a ranking of carbohydrates based on their immediate effect on blood glucose (blood sugar) levels. It compares foods gram for gram of carbohydrate. Carbohydrates that breakdown quickly during digestion have the highest glycemic indexes. The blood glucose response is fast and high. Carbohydrates that break down slowly, releasing glucose gradually into the blood stream, have low glycemic indexes.Home of the Glycemic Index

Basicly, I have to look up the GI of every food before I eat it, I cannot eat out incase they put sugar in the food, and everyone hates buying food for me. There are so many foods that I love that you would think are innoccent that I can not eat. A short example of some of these foods are - Potatoes, Pumpkin, Rice, White Bread, Tomato Sauce, Most Pre-Made Pasta sauces. You can imagine how hard this makes it for people when they have to cook for me and why I find it so hard. To mad matters worse, there are so many foods that haven't been tested yet that the only way I can know if it will cause me a problem is to eat it and find out if it puts me to sleep.

Everyday is a new discovery with foods and new ways off cooking, but I just thank my lucky stars that it was found when it was, because the way I was going, I was less than 5 years from liver and kidney damage, and now that I have changed my diet, I am living with out so many killer headaches and I'm not constanly wanting to fall asleep. I wouldn't be able to make all these changes if it wasn't for the help of my family. I cannot beleive how much my prince has helped me by changing the way he cooks and shops and helping me resist temptaion.

Before I end this post, on top of thanking you for reading this much, I would like to urge every female that has problems that the doctors just dismiss to keep persisting and keep going to different doctors until you get an answer. There is always a reason for problems, it is just a matter of finding someone who will do something about it.

Is It Working Yet???

2005-02-24T20:46:00.000+11:00

Please ignore this post, it is to test out some settings. There is great reading below though

Our House, is a very very fine house...

2005-02-24T15:17:00.000+11:00

Ok this is a major exaggeration on the truth, but it sounds good doesn't it? Well it is a house, but that is as close to that statement as it will ever get.

I thought I would tell you all about the house we live in considering it is a major part of my life. To start with, I will give you a brief summary of the house. It is a 1930's era house, which has an extension added in order to accommodate the laundry and bathroom. It has two bedrooms, a lounge room, kitchen, bathroom and laundry. It is weatherboard with open fireplaces in the lounge room and master bedroom. Sounds nice doesn't it? Well it isn't.

From the minute you go to open the front door you know something isn't right. To start with, you have to bash the door just to get it open due to the fact it jams against the floor. The stained glass in the window is held together with cardboard and sticky tape. Once you step inside you see that the two bedroom doors (one on each side) do not close because they suffer from the same problem. The spare room consists of a single bed, a wardrobe, an old organ and a heap of boxes. The master bedroom is of a lot more interest. There is an open fireplace that we don’t use because of the fire risk. We have quite nice furniture in there, but you cannot see it for all the clothes that are laying everywhere.

The lounge room is basically where we live. In short we have an open fire, a couch (that has been partialy distroyed by the dogs), two computer chairs, a desk, heaps of computer equipment that is spread every where, a entertainment unit and stereo cabinet (thanks to my aunt who gave them to us for an engagement pressie), a messed up book shelf and more mess than you can imagine. The floor consists of unsanded, unpolished hard-wood floor boards that have paint splotches on them. Soon, the floor will be done up nicely and we will have a combustion fire put in the fire place so that we use less wood and all out head doesn't get wasted.

The kitchen is a miss-matched collection of old cupboards and electric stove. Our microwave has a bad habit of changing the time that it thinks it should be. One day it will be an hour fast, the next day it will be 2 hours slow. The fridge has a bad habit of freezing everything in some parts and not staying cool in other parts, which makes it very hard to keep food fresh.

And now on to the most screwed up area of the house...the bathroom and laundry. The hallway between the two rooms has massive holes in the floorboards that were covered with lino, until Houdini was kind enough to dig it up. The laundry is full of dirty washing and boxes.

When you walk into the bathroom, the first thing you notice is it is PINK. I hate pink. All that is in there is a very deep but narrow bath, and a washbasin. The orange lino on the floor is flaking and rotting because it has been to damp for to long. If you have a bath for more than 10 minutes you end up with a major case of claustrophobia.

You walk through the bathroom in order to get to the toilet. I swear, I have never seen such a large room allocated for a toilet. Mind you, the hot water service is in there as well. For some reason I find that strange, but it does get nice and warm in winter.

Well, that is the short description of the house. Once I get my digital camera back, I will post some photos for you. Plus I might get around to describing the outside of the house and surrounding area. Until then…

Times Are A Changing...Well This Template Is...

2005-02-24T03:14:00.000+11:00

Ok, it is obvious that most people were getting our blogs mixed up due to the fact that we both had the same pic and are both running 3 column templates. One of those problems have been resolved. You will now notice that on the left hand side is a pic of me (looking evil as I have been told) and the old pic has been moved down. My Prince has removed the pic altogether and now has a groovy map that shows you where the current visitors are from.

As for the 3 column template, I have no intention of changing it and I doubt that my prince will either. I hope that now that the pics have changed\gone, and with the major colour differences in the blogs that it shouldn't be so easy to confuse.

I am planning on making more changes soon so keep reading and keep your ideas coming in.

My Blog Needs Your Help...

2005-02-22T19:59:00.000+11:00

Ok, heres the deal, I have been running a small poll on the right-hand side of my blog and the results have disturbed me a bit. In short, it seems that people seem to think that this blog is easy to confuse with My Princes' blog. In short, I know that there are a few similaties between our two blogs, but I cannot see how they can be confused. I am aware that they are both three column templates and we have the same photo on both blogs, but with the different colors and layouts, how can it be soo easy to confuse?

Please, please leave me a comment and tell me what you think the problem is, or how I should change my blog.

I Know, I Know...

2005-02-20T15:28:00.000+11:00

I know that it has been a while since I updated. There are a couple of good reasons for this. One, we have been having bad computer problems, resulting in reformating twice in one day. The second is that I haven't had anything other than complaints and depressing things to write about. I know that this is my blog and I can write what ever I like, but when I started this blog, I decided the I would try to make it a much happier and family friendly blog than my last one.

Anyway, as soon as I have something of interest that isn't too depressing I will post it.

P.S....There is something happy that is going on but I cannot say much about it at the moment. In shrt, someone my be helping up with the money to get our car back on the road :)

Ohh, that is different

2005-02-15T18:52:00.000+11:00

I have come to the conclusion that when it comes to the idea of what makes a good wedding, we are the minoritory. In short, when I tell people what we want to do for our wedding (to be held in 2010), they either get a strange look on their face, or ask something like "But why would you want to do something like that", or "Ohh, that is different".

You maby be wondering what it is that we have planned that is bugging everyone? Simple. We want to have the ceremony at the local wildlife park, followed by a spit roast at home. Now before everyone gives me their opinions on it, I will tell you the reasons behind our ideas.

We are not religious so that counts out a church cerimony. As for the wildlife park, well we both love animals, and this place is fantastic and is cheap to have weddings at. As for the spit at home, neither of us into ultra-formal things, plus I do not agree with spending $150 per head for a tiny meal no one likes and having to kick everyone out early so the place can close up. If we have it at home, people can eat as much as they like of good food, we can make as much noise as we want (we have no neigbours with in hearing distance), and if anyone wants to stay the night, they can.

Well that's about it for now. I'm still not well and just don't feel upto writing anymore. Call back soon and I might enlighten you with a few more of our wedding plans

Damn, Damn, And More Damn

2005-02-14T23:40:00.000+11:00

Im not feeling to well so this is just a very short update to let people know what has been going on.

As My Prince said in his blog a member of my family was/is selling a 1987 Corolla and he organised an inspection for Sunday. Well in short, we went, we saw, we drove and decided we liked the car. My mother told me today that she is going to buy the car and let us have it until she needs it. That means that it will spend more time with her than us, knowing the way she works things. That means that sometimes we will have a car and others we will still be bloody stuck in the middle of nowhere with-out a car on the road. Bloody hell, all we need is about $500 to get my car on the road. I know that there are alot of people that can spare that as a loan but are to cheap or mean to bother.

I guess it is back to bloody square one all over again.

Be My Angel...

2005-02-14T02:24:00.000+11:00

I'm so tired I can barely function anymore. I go to bed at night (well it is realy early morning), but I just don't sleep. This is nothing new to me as I have suffered from insomnia on and off for most of my life, but this time it is hitting me worse than normal.

I honestly think that there are a number of reason for my sleeping problems at the moment. The major on is stress. The second is depression (I suffer from an inherited form that cause's a chemical imbalance in the brain). The third is My Prince's sleeping problems.

Lets look at the first reason. I know that everyone's life has stress in it and that I probably have it alot better than some people, but for me at the moment the stress is getting out of hand. We are both unemployed. I cannot find a job and my prince is not able to work because of his anorexia. This means that we have the stress of not having enough money to pay the bills and feed ourselves. We don't have a roadworthy, registered car so if we want to go anywhere we either have to break the law or beg someone to drive us. This isn't a good thing when you live over 30km from the nearest major town or public transport.

I spend everyday knowing that unless my prince starts to get a bit healthier he will end up in hospital and I cannot do anything to stop it. I am at my wits-end as to what to do to help. I have a very bad image problem and find it hard to eat sometimes so I have trouble making myself convince him to eat. On top of that, I cannot eat anything that has sugar or a high GI rating, which means all the things that he should eat to put on weight are not kept in the house.

Another stressfull thing at the moment has been the fact that one of our dogs nearly died in labour. After spending over $500 on the sugery, two days worrying if she would live while we hand raised her one surviving puppy she came home basicly as good as new. The continuing problem is that while she has the pup and stitches she has to remain inside. I am so sick of having to watch where she is going, what she is distroying (thousands of dollars worth of pricless teddy bears that I collect) and stopping our other dog going insane and distructive with lonelyness and bordom.

The more I write this, the more factors I think of. Sitting here at the moment, I started to think about how much stress people are putting on me with out even trying to. If people are not demanding my time and energy, they are changing plans or complaining how bad something is when they have no idea what it is like at this end. Everytime I try to plan something out, there is always someone to come along and mess it up. For example, I hadn't planned on going down to my mothers until the end of Feb, meaning that I would have four weeks with out seeing her. Instead, we ended up having to go down this weekend to look at a car that she is thinking about buying from my aunt. Once I had agreed to that she decided that she had to have us help with some repairs to her roof and wanted us at her house at 9am. To bad that it is a 2 hour trip for me. To make it worse, the alarm didn't go off due to the power going out durin the night. This resulted in us getting "attitude" when we got there. I felt like telling her to F**k off, but she is my mother and has done more to help me than anyone I know. I just wish she would ease up a bit with the moods sometime.

On top of that, people say they are going to visit and then decide that other people or things are more importaint or "just forget". Even the damn trademen don't turn up. Why do people bother making arrangements with you and then change their mind or decide that someone else is of a higher priority?

Everytime our engagement is mentioned, I can garentee the two questions that will be asked. The first - When are you getting marreid. The second - When are you having kids. I will answer both of those questions with explanations so that I might be able to put the subject to rest with a few people. The date that we have decided on for the wedding is 4th December, 2010. There are two reasons for this. The first, we want to get married on the annervesery of the date we met which was 4th December, 2003. That leaves us with two options. This year or in five years. As much as I wish it could be this year, we must now tackle the second reason...MONEY. The simple fact is that when you cannot afford to feed yourself, you cannot afford to have a wedding.

As for kids, well we are trying, but I am not going to pay to see someone about it when we have no money. I lost a baby last year (that is a topic for another post), and the pain is still very very raw for both of us, on top of the fact that I just found out that a family member is pregnant to a guy she has been with for only a couple of months realy brings me down when I think about kids so I try not to get my hopes up. More than anything in life I want a baby. I know that we can financialy afford to have a kid due to somethings I will not write about here. I want a family. The family I never had when I was growing up. I have helped raise everyone else's kids, it is time I had one of my own to raise.

I am sure that there is alot more factors that I could find that are adding to my stress levels at the moment, but I just cannot think of anymore.

As for the second one being my depression, there isn't alot for me to say other than my medication has a bad habbit of not working all the time, resulting in my sleep and eating patterns going straight out the window. On top of that, my ability to cope drops so low that the smallest thing will make me cry. I end up getting to the point where I hurt myself just to feel like I have some control over my body. Then I just hate myself twice as much. It is a vicious circle.

The third factor is one of the hardest to deal with. Anyone that has read my prince's blog will know that not only does he suffer from anorexia, paranoia and depression, he also has to deal with the fact that his father did a hell of alot of bad things to him as a child. When he finaly manages to drift of to sleep at night, the nightmares start. I cannot tell you exactly what he dreams as I don't know myself, but one thing I do know is that they are bloody awful. He tosses and turns on a good night. On a normal night he crys, mutters, screams and thrashes around in his sleep. On a bad night he has terrors so bad that he screams at the top of his voice for help and cannot stop shaking. On these nights I end up having to turn the bedroom light on, sit him on the bed (he is normaly crashing around the room in his sleep), cuddle and talk softly to him until he settle to sleep. Once he is asleep if I let go of him, he starts getting very agitated again, then it all starts over. Most nights he cannot remember what has happened or what he has dreampt. I sometimes wonder if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

I don't know what there is left for me to say other than, if you have managed to read this far, thank you for allowing me to get somethings off my chest. I don't have many people to confide in anymore so this blog is my only realy outlet. Well it is time to go to bed and get some sleep...maybe...

Opinions Needed

2005-02-13T00:03:00.000+11:00

For those of you who have been to this blog more than once, you will notice two things,

I have not posted for a while,
My template keeps slowly changing.

I can explain both of these in one simple sentence - All my blogging time has been spent slowly modifying my template to get it look just the way I want.

I would greatly appreciate it if people could leave a comment and let me know what they think of my humble blog lay-out.

On another note, if you have a website or blog that you want linked, just leave a comment, or drop me a line on the email.

Anyone Want To See Some Pretty Pictures???

2005-02-08T01:49:00.000+11:00

Ok, I know that I said I would continue on with my post about who/what is pissing me off lately, but I decided to let that wait for a bit. Instead, I thought that I would post the link to the photo's from our engagement party...

Well, here it is :- http://mutley.fotopic.net/c419985.html

These are the best of the photos that were taken by someone using my mothers digital camera on the night. I am hoping that some other people at the party will pass on some more photos for me to upload, but I wont be holding my breath.

The Time Has Come...

2005-02-06T04:24:00.000+11:00

The time has come for me to get a few things off my chest. Most of them will be concering the engagement party as that is the last major, life affecting event to happen. These are writen in no particular order, just how ever they come out of my head. I am sure that some people may get a little peved at me if they read this, but I realy don't care tonight, I just need to get these thoughts out of my head.

The first thing that pops into mind is our engagment cake. Months ago, My Prince asked his mother if she would make the cake like she had done for his sisters engagement party. At the time, she was quite happy to. As the party go closer, everytime we asked what she was going to do for it, just just said a fruit cake. I was getting quite frustrated due to the fact that I am a cake decorator (as a hobby), and had said that I would make it if she didn't want to. Finaly, we were told that she was going to make a large fruit cake, covered in marzapan and decorated with royal icing roses, a message writen on it and fancy scrol work on the side and around the bottom. I was happy with the idea of this. The cake that turned up on the night was another matter. I was smaller than we had wanted, there was simple pipping around the base and the top was covered with a couple of silk flowers. Yes I know the cake is nice and all, but it isn't what we asked for or what she promised us. On top of the, she forgot to put the jam between the layers of icing so when it can time to cut it, the top layer fell off. Our feelings regarding the cake were made even worse by the next thing I am going to talk about.

I mentioned that the roses on the cake were silk. At first we thought that they had been bought for the cake, which we were fine with. We were soon corrected on this in a very mean way. As we were standing looking at the cake and My Prince's mother was telling us about the cake, his sister started repeatedly asking him "Do you recognise the flowers, Do you recognise the flowers?" When My Prince finaly go sick of her and said "No", she had the nerve to start telling us that they were the flowers that were ment to be on her wedding cake (that was before her wedding was cancelled 8 weeks before the big day). This made me very hurt, upset and angry. I cannot explain how My Prince felt. Not only had they had the nerve to use flowers ment for someone elses wedding cake, his sister was mean enough to rub it in our faces at our own engagement party. Sadly, this was just the start of her attempts to wreck the night.

I will just back about and hour in time and tell you about what happened when My Prince's family finaly turned up. The minute they pulled up in the drive way, we went out to greet them. Before saying hello or anything, his mother got out of the car and started going on about how we should thank his sisters boy-friend (who I will call Bushy), for the fact that they were there bacuse they couldn't afford the petrol and that he had lent them the money to get there. Im my opinion, if you cannot afford to attend, either don't, or tell us and we might be able to help. At least say hello before you start with the guilt.

After the debarkle with the cake, I showed My Prince's sister around my mothers house (where the party was). While we were alone, she decided to tell me about how broke they were and that they were going to have the power, gas and phone cut off and made it clear that she tought coming to our party and bringing food to it was one of the reasons for it. Her are some facts for you. We spend every day in dread of when our phone and power will be cut off, and as we live on tank water the fact that in a couple of months we may have no water at all. His sister works, but only pays $50 a fortnight board. This means My Prince's father has to support himself, My Prince's mother who cannot work and his sister.

Well thats enough on that line for the moment. It is now to to find someone else to be mean too. Unfortunatly, most of the people at the engagment party were from my mothers family. I know that isn't realy a bad thing, but due to the large number of them, it ment that we had to cut alot of people off the list. On top of that, half of the family that were there didn't even bother speaking to us other than to say hello when they first arrived and that was only because we said it first. Couldn't they at least pretend to want to be there with us?

As I have just said, due to numbers, we had to be very selective with the people we invited. We spent countless nights going over the guest list until we got it to the right numbers. We knew that not everyone would be able to come, but there were a few suprises and let downs when it came to attendance. One family decided that instead of replying to us they would send the invitation to the address of the party with a note saying they couldn't come. Now it wasn't hard to find the RSVP details on the invite and it was just luck that the party was bing held at my mothers other wise we would never have found out. My Prince's aunt decided that instead of telling us the her and her family coundn't come, she would just tell his mother, that is until his mother had a go at her and made her send us a letter. The worst thing was the My Prince's oldest friend, who he thinks of like a sister, said that she would come, then just didn't turn up. She didn't even send appologies, we only found out via word of mouth. Also, a good friend of my family said he would attend and then just didn't show. I cannot beleive that people are becoming so rude. That is just like a hell of alot of poeple didn't bother to reply at all. The family members just assumed we would know they would be there, and others didn't show at all. I was always taught that if you are invited to something, you reply stating whether you can or cannot attend. I guess society doesn't beleive in common courtesy with somethings anymore.

My family not repying or not talking to us weren't the worst they could do to us on this night. For some reason, a few members of my mothers family have to always be the centre of attention, no matter what the occasion is. I didn't think they would be able to this time, until I over heard a conversation between a couple of family members. It turns out the my cousin had decided to announce that she was pregnant at our engagement party. She couldn't be more that a month or two pregnant, so where was the hurry? And did they realy have to play it up on the one night that was ment to be for us? Look, I know that I should be happy for her and all, but I'm far from it. I have alot of reasons for this which I realy don't want to go into at the moment.

One thing that I cannot realy complain about is the gifts we were given except one card. It was from some very old friends of My Prince's family. The problem? Instead of making the card out to both of us they made it out to My Prince (they used his name of course) and PARTNER. I have a name, it was on the invites, they know a lot of people that could of told them my name, but no, they decided to just dismiss me as a nothing.

Ok, This post is starting to get way bigger than I intended it to and there is still alot more that I have to write, so I am going to leave it here for now (maybe make it a two or three part series). I promise that I will continue with it soon though because I still have alot that I need to get off my chest.

Damn, Damn, Template

2005-02-06T01:49:00.000+11:00

Ok, this isn't the post that I had origanly planned on writing, but when I had a look at my blog to see if there were any comments on my blog (and there were :) ), when I noticed that all of my sidebar wasn't showing up. I refreshed the page and it all came up ok, but it still a pain that I have put work in to it and it isnt working right.

In short, I am now on a mission to either find the cause and fix it, or start with a new template. Either way, I assure you that it will be fixed soon.

A Very Quick And Short Update

2005-02-05T04:18:00.000+11:00

Ok, I know that by now I should of writen a post or two in the last couple of days, especialy to bring you all upto date about Princess. Well in short, I haven't had alot of time to do so as our lives have been revolving around her and her puppy. I have snatched a couple of minutes to write this post.

The brief version of everything is that it looks like Princess is going to be ok. She has accepted her puppy back which means we are now free to have some time to ourselves. There have been a few problems tonight, like the fact that Princess got very ill because we were told by one vet she could eat and drink as much as she wanted, when in reality her stomach is to weak to handle it. I was not happy when I found this out from our real vet, not the colegue that we saw today.

Anyway, thats about all there is to tell you, other than the fact it is freezing, if we get anymore rain I think that all my plants are going to start swimming, and that I as starting to act weird again due to lack of sleep.

I promise you that in the near future the will be some posts that will be worth reading, I just need to find the time and try to get them from my brain to my blog.

Some Of My Poems...

2005-02-02T18:47:00.000+11:00

I have decided to put forward some of the poems that I have written over the last couple of months. I am aware that they are not the greatest of literary works, but they are a reflection of my feeling and I thought that some people might like to offer their opinions on them...

Memories
Everyday my heart breaks a little with thoughts of the past
Everyday I think about the what ifs
Everyday I see pain in the eyes of the one I love
Everyday I think about how things should be
Everyday I wonder if my wishes will ever come true
Everyday I wonder what I have done to deserve this pain
Everyday I feel the pain of my shattered dreams
Everyday I cry for what I have lost

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The smiles are all gone,
Replaced by frowns

Those that once liked,
Now hate

The laughter has gone,
Replaced by yelling

The uninvolved judge,
While the involved suffer…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before you say you know me,
take a look in my heart and soul,
then you will see that I know pain,
more than you can imagine

The choices I have made
were mine and not yours,
I live with them everyday

All I can do is my best,
if that isn’t good enough
then I’m not who you think I am

Just When Things Look Up...

2005-02-02T18:34:00.000+11:00

I have decided that life is out to screw us time and time again. After 12 months of my car being of the road, we have finaly gotten to the stage that all we need is the money for the rego and roadworthy. This was all ment to happen with in the next two weeks. We were quite happy about all of this until a spanner go thrown in the works.

Today, our dog Princess decided to get very sick. Right now I am far from up to going into deatil about it all, but in short, after rushing her to vet and her having emergancy surgery, we now have to find over $600 to pay for it all, as well as look after a 2 day old puppy.

This means that the money we were getting for the car will need to go to the vet along with all of our food money for the next fortnight. That means that it is now going to be another 6 months until we get a car on the road.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

Time To Introduce My New Blog...

2005-01-30T23:21:00.000+11:00

Well what can I say? If you have the link to this blog you probably already know me. Incase you have stumbled on to this blog by accedent, I have decided to tell you about me and my blog.

There isn't alot that I can tell you about myself, but I will try to find an interesting fact or two for you. In short, I am 20 something, looking for work, and generaly inclined to go insane. I live in country Victoria with the love of my life (who I am engaged to) and our two Border Collie's named Houdini and Princess. Most of our time is split between fixing up our house (it is trying to fall apart), creating a garden on part of our 3 acres, researching family tree and restoring old photos.

I use my blog as a release and refection of how I am feeling at the time of my posts, and as I am a very moody and changable person, this can result in some very strange posts. As time goes on, you will see that at times I attempt to use poetry as a release. I already know that I am a shit poet, but as they are only writen for me, I don't realy care.

I will soon be writing an account of our engagment party which was held last night, including all of the highlights like the stuffed up speaches, the great pressies we received, the drunks, the reason I was cleaning at 3am, and all the other wonderful things that go with a party that contains two familys and a couple of friends.

Well thats all for now, over time I will gradually be changing the layout and attempting to write some interesting posts while still getting things off my chest.